Terminal Life

damn this is a tough decision. here Regan and i are trying to decide which version of our miami experience to display for eternity on the internet. the "public" version or the "real" version. see, one of these stories is toxic to the point that we wish it wasnt ours, the other more mundane and easy to accept. so i suppose we will compromise on a subtle blend of the two.

or we can make a video about pimento, my ashtray. hes so much more interesting.

but no, dying doesnt get any easier. no matter how much time you have to watch it approach. it just gets bigger. im just as scared now as i was when i first found out. im even more scared, i think. because every day i watch my daughter puddle grow up a bit and i see my siter carebear get more stressed. i worry that i wont be able to help out much longer because i can see not too far into the future that i will need hospice care. even little thigs like getting dressed and showering are becomin...
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falling in love has never really been what i fear when i meet a man. usually i worry over hurting his feelings with my habit of brutal honesty. i worry about scaring him with my lessthansociallyacceptable ways. i worry over making him feel inferior. i dont worry about falling for him. that doesnt happen. often.

dont fall dont fall oh shit youre getting closer too close to the edge you dumb bitch DONT FALLLLL!!!!!

maybe because i was just in love with a man, just last week. maybe its detritous o...
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so i have some bad habits. i treat men like shit.

i was married a long time ago to a man who was kind and compassionate and honorable. he was wise and friendly and people loved him for those qualities. i loved him for them, too. we were very happy until he passed away. i didnt get involved with men again for a long time; but when i did, i found that most men were not honest or honorable. they lied, deceived and manipulated. i guess i was naive and inexperienced and made lots of bad choices. in...
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this is samanthe the 1st here... its 4:08am on saturday morning. im taking over for a second because i think ill do better explaining the bittersweetness of this night. (at least my part) abby left for work after changing 4..5 times and i had a date. after 4 glasses of wine at the spot with dudeface i see abby screamng my name. she calls green latern.. i go home with my date. after HE'S done he tells me how bad he feels. fuck that, i sent him walking. abby came home during so i talked major s...
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arent i? you are too. we all are. ive been thinking on this for a while now.

instead of thinking of myself as a prayer, i realize that i am really a prayer wheel. my body is the activity by which the energy is stimulated. cells and blood and friction and spontaneous generation of kinetic energy, constantly turning over between my body and the rest of the manifest universe at every single moment. so ive designed and placed my tattoos very carefully to maximize the nature of my body. prayers fo...
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we sit alone in the bathroom flickering candles on the sink and in the tub and we are there on cushions on the floor. how fucking stoned are we?????? damn our conversation spiraled into madness for a moment until we were very seriously gripping each other and asking 'are you my hallucination?' so now i wrack my brain everyday to make social connections between people i know. 'who knows grigori? have i introduced djaq to anyone else?' i almost thought it was avi, but then i ran into him on bro...
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so i wrote this amazing blog and it disappeared into cyberair. stupid cyberworld.

had to go to the ER on friday and have a tumor removed from my eyebrow. it hurt like a bitch and was pushing my eye back into my head. can we say fun? the worst part was when the doctor said, "this type of tumor is pretty common in the AIDS community. you should be fine once its gone, just watch out for the next one."

i dont have aids. and i dont want another tumor. stupid doctors always saying things that hurt m...
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im not much for blogging, and im not much for linear timelines. this is my coping mechanism. im not scared to die. im just not quite ready.

its weird that there is so little education and so much taboo regarding this thing we all must do. we all die. everyone you know, and everyone i know, and everyone they know... and so on until we are all dead. life kills us all. this is partly an effort to educate myself about death, prepare myself for it and make it all less scary.

i have a disease called...
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